SOLD!!!!🤯
Frustration. Dissatisfaction. Failure. Imposter syndrome. Copycat. POSER!
All words that went through my mind while I was painting Here Comes the Son. “Nope, don’t like that!” Then I’d paint another layer. “Maybe if I draw in some swirls. Maybe if I add this cool metallic color. Maybe if I use this paint marker instead…”
Each layer seemed to bring on one challenge after another until I was certain my first attempt at painting BIG was going to find its way into the garbage. Sigh. It’s fine, right? I mean it was my first time. Guess I’ll just stick with what I know. Upon telling my husband this, he promptly exclaimed, “WHAT?! Don’t throw that away! It’s amazing!” I look at it again. All I see are mistakes. All I see are the mess ups and my childish attempt to cover up my faults.
Fast forward a couple weeks or so, and I decide to take it to the next art opening here at our local arts center. I charge a nominal fee. One of the highest I’ve marked up so far, and don’t expect much feedback. The opening comes and OH MY at the flood of comments and interest this piece receives! Not only is it hanging dead center of the gallery, but it’s the first visible art as patrons walk through the front door. The evening is fun and light. A plethora of talented artists are on display. Many far versed and more experienced than I ever thought about being. Their techniques are unmatched. Each ones style quite obviously their own. And then there’s my mangled piece. The one I guessed my way through. The one I’m the most insecure about amongst all this REAL artwork. Different people come up to me and tell me how much they love Here Comes the Son! What inspired it? How did I do the layers? It’s so happy and carefree! I stumble through my answers because truth be told, I really don’t have any! What was I to say? I just kept messing up and this is what happened. REAL inspirational (sarcasm inserted here.)
As I was talking with a sweet gal about all this, I started rambling off something about how we don’t want to ever reveal the worst parts of ourselves because we fully believe it’s trash. It’s insanely cliche for me to say we are our own worst critic, but the fact of the matter is it’s become a cliche because it’s absolutely true. I don’t consider myself the type of person to play the victim or fall into the “woe is me” type of mentality very often. Heck, I wouldn’t even say I get embarrassed or am afraid to put myself out there anymore! But as more and more people resonated with this piece I thought was crap, I began to think that maybe I AM a little too hard on myself. That maybe, I really am an artist?? Aren’t I? I mean sure, I can paint all that fun whimsical stuff, but a real artist? Nah…I just don’t rank it. Well, guess what…the sucker SOLD that night!!!! I was totally blown away!
Is this not the equivalent our own becoming? We go through so many different versions of ourselves as time passes. Sometimes we cover up our scars. Other times we live through a traumatic experience, often times more than one. On the flip side we can undergo a metamorphosis when we visit a new place or have a new adventure! Becoming can also happen slowly and without you even being aware. You meet new people, and share new ideas, and before you know it, you’ve changed your whole stance on something you once thought you would die for. You haven’t seen yourself change, but you know you aren’t the same. How many layers do we add to our soul? How many do we take away? How many are still buried deep down, and we vow to never tell anyone. The complexities of who you are and who you’re going to be are infinite. That’s how I began to see this painting. Mistake after mistake. Re-direct. Re-do. Cover up. Re-work. Start over. Take a break. Come back to it. Let it rest. Let it be. Re-visit. Keep trying. Keep going. Don’t stop. What we think is no good about ourselves, may be EXACTLY what someone else needs to see to give them inspiration or hope.
The frustration and failure and dissatisfaction may not be the red light you think it is. It may be your calling card to empowering those around you, and in turn, growing you toward your purpose.
In the words of the new owner of Here Comes the Son, and one of my favorite collectors….
“I can’t even imagine all the versions that thing went through but that’s what’s cool about it. You can see the underlying versions. You see it went through changes and emerged as this nature filled, happy scene.” ~ Michelle Roisum
What versions are you working through? What are you covering up that maybe you shouldn’t? And congratulations to you for any old versions of yourself you’ve shed off that weren’t serving you or others!
**Credit to my hubs, for stopping me from throwing this one away. Thank you for seeing the good in my work, even when I can’t.
